A.N.T.R.V.C.

The judges have deliberated, and we have come to a decision. There are seven beautiful cupcakes before me, but only one of them can be America's Next Top Red Velvet Cake....


Duncan Hines, we love your color and your light, fluffy texture. You somehow manage to be moist but not heavy, and that is a valuable skill as a cupcake. But some people here think that making cakes from mixes is a little "commercial", and we wonder if you have what it takes to be a gourmet treat.

Martha Stewart, we think you have a beautiful color, and we love your style, but we wonder if you are too "mature" and dry to make it in the world of cakes.

Paula Deen, you are so sassy and vibrant, and we thought that using marshmallows and coconut in your frosting was a really daring move. But your texture is so coarse, sometimes we think you might be better off taking away the food color and calling yourself "yellow cake".


James Beard, we had high hopes for you from the beginning. You walked in here with more experience in baking than any of the other recipes, but taste after taste, you have disappointed us with your blandness. Where is the color we see in the other cakes?

Beet cake, we all know that in baking, like in fashion, old is always new again. We love that you took such a risk in bringing back the traditional coloring ingredient, beets, but your texture and your flavor just don't seem like "America's Next Top Red Velvet Cake".

Chocolate cake, you came into this competition as the odd one out. We thought, "how could a chocolate cake be red?" But you surprised us again and again with your flair. Unfortunately, we felt your texture was lacking, and when you fell apart before we could even bite into you, some of the judges gave up on you.

Suicide cake, we thought you were moist and flavorful. We especially liked your swirly color. But we don't understand how we can replicate you, since you are such a mixed up mess.

So who doesn't go home? The cakes that are flavorful but dry, or the moist ones that taste like nothing? Or is it the one from the box, the one that nobody thought could be good?


Duncan Hines. Congratulations, you are America's Next Top Red Velvet Cake!

(screaming and crying follows)